Don’t I Get a Little Credit for That?

Me, at a production meeting for “Isn’t It Romantic?”

The title of this post is another of Danny Kresky’s lines.  Danny, of course, is the character I am playing in my upcoming short film, ISN’T IT ROMANTIC?  He says it to his wife in the climatic final scene.  With production growing closer by the minute, the line is apropos for how I am feeling now.

My confidence is growing every day.  The significance of what I’m doing is becoming more clear.  I’m directing my first film.  It’s really happening.  Nervous?  Sure, to a certain extent, but more than anything else thrilled beyond words. And quite frankly, fully prepared to do this job and do it well.

As we near the start of shooting, the preparation has intensified.  I send numerous emails and make numerous phone calls every day.  My  previously near crippling phone call phobia is becoming a just a memory.  I had to call a business representative at SAG today and I did it without batting an eye.  I’m getting good at this.  Really good.

I set extremely high standards for myself and don’t always appreciate each small step forward I make.  Today, I thought back to when I first started this project.  I wasn’t exactly sure how to proceed on things.  To be sure, I’ve had plenty of help.  My strategy from the start was to surround myself with people who know what they are doing and let them do it.  Still, I have to lead them.  They are following me, working to bring my vision to life.  I’m hitting my stride and driving the hell out of this bus.  And I did it the hard way.

I have never attended film school, never worked as a grip or a PA.  Never was present at a production meeting until the first one that I ran.  This has been on the job training in every sense of the word.  My experienced team members have counseled me, and I’ve taken that advice and run with it.  I’ve got everything under control.  When a problem occurs, I come up with a solution, or brain storm with team members and we solve it together.  I’m listening to suggestions and evaluating them carefully, using what I need and politely declining the rest.

In addition to our weekly production meetings, I have regular meetings constantly with various members of my team to discuss different aspects of production.  As the director, I have my hand in everything.  I’m also in constant contact with my cast and the owners of the locations.  At first, I was worried my social awkwardness would prevent me from doing this.  But I feel comfortable with it.  I’m enjoying it.  Looking forward to it.  I’m actually growing as a person at a rate not seen since childhood.

Another phenomenon that is becoming very clear to me is the growing respect I feel from my team.  They all loved the script from the start and were eager to be a part of this.  Now, I can feel the confidence they have in me.  I have told them all that we are going to make a great movie and they believe it.  Believe in me.  It’s such a good feeling and a real boost to my self esteem.

The question that I chose for the title of this post is the one I now ask myself.  I said I would rise to the occasion and I’m doing just that.  I seriously have to give myself a little credit.  And if I can do this in such a short time, in such a difficult manner, who knows what else I can achieve?  The sky’s the limit.  My days as an underachiever may finally be over.

I’ve struggled my whole life with a number of issues; self esteem, anxiety, depression.  I’ve been in therapy and made considerable progress but never quite got where I needed to be.  I feel like I’m racing toward it now.  I like myself more.  I feel like other people like me. Imagine.  All the money my parents and I spent on therapy.  I should have made a movie years ago.