Melancholia: Why My Skies Are Always Gray

Things continue to progress nicely for ISN’T IT ROMANTIC?  Tomorrow, I’ll finish my shot list and storyboards and Sunday afternoon, I have a meeting with my director of photography, editor and first assistant director.  We’ll put together the schedule for each day of shooting.  Once we have that level of preparation, the shoot will go smoother.  We will be better able to handle any curveballs that may be tossed our way.

Other members of my team met today to work on set design, wardrobe and props.  I have a team of dedicated and talented individuals who believe in this project every bit as much as I do.  Just about everything is in place.  Of course, one thing that we can’t control is the weather.  We can only hope it cooperates during our exterior scenes.

Shooting in October in the Northeast will give us the beautiful colors of fall on the trees.  The final scene of the movie takes place outside, and there are numerous trees on the private estate where we’re shooting.  It should be beautiful, especially for a film about romance.  Naturally, we are hoping for no rain and mild temperatures.  Personally, I am also rooting for gray skies.

A bright, blue sky with a  few puffy clouds is the standard “perfect” weather scenario.  But I’ve seen enough movies in my day to know that a gray sky with a little haze adds a much more romantic feel to a movie.  It’s wistful, just a little melancholy.  It adds a dreamlike feel to the film.  After all, movies are often compared to dreams, and they sure as hell are nothing like real life.

I love gray skies in real life as well.  I feel as though they are the backdrop of my life.  They define my most common mood.  Blue and sunny doesn’t cut it, nor does dark and stormy.  Just gray, with the sun occasionally looking like it will break through, but it never does.  Melancholy.  That’s me.

I’m in a reflective mood tonight, so bear with me.  I know I’m rambling, but that’s my style.  I’m just throwing my thoughts down.  I’ve always loved going to the movies.  It’s about escape for me.  In the darkness of a movie theater, I am able to get my mind off all the things I don’t want to think about.  It’s the only place that happens.  It’s what I hope my films can provide for someone out there like me.

It’s often a difficult transition when the movie is over.  I watch a comedy where the smart, funny guy wins the girl; beats the really good looking jerk.  It’s a good feeling.  Then the lights come up and I look at the empty seat next to me.  It’s back to reality, where things like that NEVER happen.  Melancholy.  Gray skies.

Now, I’m directing my first film and also playing the lead.  I’m playing a married man with an amazing wife.  It’s more escapism.  That will never happen to me in real life.  What will it feel like when we’re finished with the film?  When reality rears it’s ugly head again.  No matter how well this film does, deep inside, I won’t be truly happy.  I will never be.

I’m very fortunate in that I’m a tough little bastard.  This would destroy a lesser man.

Woody and me: We’re not the same guy

Let’s change it up a little today and talk about something not directly related to ISN’T IT ROMANTIC?  We’re visiting the location house today and holding auditions in New York tomorrow, so there will be plenty to report on after the weekend.  Instead, how about if I discuss my filmmaking idol, Woody Allen?  Particularly how we are different.

As I related in the articles on my background, I grew up in the Flatbush section of Brooklyn, the same neighborhood that produced Woody.  In, fact, a great number of film legends came from Flatbush, but that’s another story for another article.  Woody of course, is a big hero throughout New York, and especially in his home neighborhood.

I also told you about the short story I wrote in fifth grade about the suicidal cafeteria clock that won me a creative writing award and which numerous teachers compared to Woody Allen’s work.  It made me even more aware of him and I have followed his career religiously since then.  The stand up albums, the films, the plays, the prose.  I’m intimately familiar with all of them.  I couldn’t help but be influenced by his work.

There are other great writers who have affected me.  I’m a huge Neil Simon fan.  I love the late Nora Ephron.  Both have had a major impact on me.  Mel Brooks, and more recently, Larry David are other writers who I’ve emulated to a certain extent.  But no one has affected me as much as Woody Allen.

His work continues to inspire me and I’m jealous of the incredible situation he’s in.  He gets funding and distribution without having to show anyone a script or even have a title!  He makes the movies he wants to, with little outside interference.  I’ll never have that, but, hey a guy can hope.  Despite my great respect and admiration for the incredible Mr. Allen, if it were possible, I would not want to be him.  No matter what, I desire to always be me, a unique individual.  It’s something I strived for as a comedian and now, as a writer and budding filmmaker.

The truth is that the similarities I have to Woody are not things I’ve tried to affect.  We do have some things in common other than Flatbush.  I tend to be drawn to heroes with whom I can identify.  For example, I am honestly a very neurotic person.  I always have been.  That element of my work is like Woody’s, but it is genuine.  All writers invest themselves into their work, but some do it to a much higher degree.  It’s always been instinctive for me to do that, right from my stand up days.  Woody does it too, which I’ve always admired.  But I deal with personal issues because I need to, not because he does.

The differences.  You may find this one interesting.  Woody is Jewish.  Despite my last name, I’m not.  Most people, because of my name and the type of comedy I write, assume that I am Jewish.  My grandfather was, but he married an Irish Catholic woman and my father was raised Catholic.  My mother comes from a Dutch/Swedish Lutheran background.  What does that make me?  Confused and racked with guilt!  I was raised Lutheran, but long ago rejected my faith.  I’m agnostic.  Who knows if there’s a God or not?  But if there is, I’m convinced every religion is wrong.  Anyway, my characters to a certain extent have some typical Jewish traits, but not like Woody’s, since my protagonists are based on me.

Another very big difference.  Woody Allen was a professional gag writer at the age of fifteen.  By seventeen, he was in NBC’s young writer’s program.  He has spent his entire adult life at, or near the top of the show business world.  That’s the world his characters inhabit, the upper strata of literati.  I’ve only known the lower rungs of the ladder.  I never made it to “The Tonight Show” or Letterman.  My characters have a blue color sensibility, even the successful ones such as ISN’T IT ROMANTIC?‘s protagonist, acclaimed writer/director Danny Kresky.

Although we grew up in the same neighborhood, Woody Allen and I are a generation apart.  He’s a year young than my mother.  (Exactly a year, they share their birthday, December 1)  To paraphrase a line from his MANHATTAN, I grew up with television and the pill, he was World War II.  It makes a big difference.  My references and my outlook on many issues differ because of it.

The Flatbush I grew up in was very different from Woody’s nice, lower-middle class, blue color neighborhood.  In the 60’s and 70’s Flatbush was dangerous and crime ridden, once of the worst neighborhoods in Brooklyn.  My father was mugged at gunpoint one night. I had a younger brother and sister to protect, so I fought constantly.  In that neighborhood, you either fought or you ran, and I don’t back down to anyone.  Thus, my protagonists don’t have that nebbishy quality that Woody’s do.  They can take care of themselves because I can take care of myself.  Which leads us to the final difference.  I’m a fighter, not a lover.

A big part of Woody Allen’s persona, right from his days as a comic, is his problems with women.  He deals with it in a very funny way to which I could always relate.  It’s just as big a part of my persona.  However, with Woody, it’s an act.  Come on.  The guy dated both Diane Keaton and Mia Farrow.  Mia was once married to Frank Sinatra for God’s sake! And Diane Keaton was with Warren Beatty.  Woody’s on his third marriage.  This guy has no trouble getting women.

I’m the real deal.  Only one good relationship ever in my life, and I blew that one.  I haven’t been on a date since Clinton was in the White House.  First term.  Women don’t like me.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  I make a great “friend”.  Nice guys.  We’re always the friend.  But no woman wants anything to do with me as anything more.  When I write those characters there is great authenticity.  I’m going to die alone.  I’ve accepted that.  Sorry, Woody.  You’ll always be my idol, I’ll probably never be the artist you are.  But in the failure with women department, you’re not in my league.

Anxiety, Insomnia and Depression: The Neurotic’s Toolbox

The dates are set.  We got a sound man today and the crew is just about complete.  We have a casting notice out for the roles we need to fill.   Production is a mere eight weeks away.  I’m excited.  This is a long time dream.  I’m working everyday to prepare.  And my anxiety levels are rising.

If you’ve read some of my other posts, you know about my dysthymia, aka neurotic depression.  It’s something I’ve had all my life, but only became aware of about five years ago.  I can feel when it’s kicking in and deal with it.  But it’s always present and I have to be vigilant.  Does it hamper my day to day activities?  Absolutely.  My phone call phobia alone has cost me numerous opportunities.  But, there are ways to make it work for me.

Anxiety produces energy.  When I’m feeling anxious, I can’t sit still.  I pace.  My always fast mind works even faster, achieving incredible speed.  Physically, it’s healthy.  Panic attacks burn calories.  Hyperventilation is great for cardio.  The key is to channel it correctly.  Anxiety often causes people to overeat, smoke, drink and use drugs.  I put the excess energy into my work.

Screenwriting and filmmaking require creative problem solving.  With my mind in hyperdrive, ideas fly out of me.  I throw them out twenty at a time.  Most of them are no good, but that’s okay.  Eventually, the solution comes, and it comes quickly.  Plus, mental anguish and personality disorders are funny!  They are a great boon to any comedy writer.

Another issue I deal with is insomnia.  I haven’t slept through an entire night in months.  I was taking Benedryl.  Two of them generally knock me out within an hour.  But, I didn’t want to get addicted to them and they sometimes aren’t that effective.  I just can’t shut my mind off at night.  So, I don’t.  I just take a series of cat naps throughout the night.  Less sleep time means more work time.  I study films, I write, I make lists of things I need to do the next day.  The feature script I’ve been rewriting, FACADES will be shot in Singapore. The production team is in Asia.  There’s a twelve hour time difference. Perfect!  They email me in the middle of the night, I get the notes, make the revision and it’s done before morning.  Sleep is for suckers.

Tied into my dysthymia is excessive worry.  It makes me cautious.  That can be a very positive attribute.  I check, double check and triple check everything.  I obsess over details.  Exactly what a director needs to do in preparing a film.  There is much less chance of me missing something small when I can’t stop thinking about the little things.

Today’s world can be a very difficult place in which to live.  There are very few of us that don’t have some kind of issues.  They can cripple you if you let them.  But if you can embrace them, realize they are part of what makes you unique and special and turn them to your advantage, you can achieve greatness.   (This post is only slightly tongue in cheek.)

My Background Part 4

WILDsound Paul Rothbart interview

Now to the final chapter of my backstory.  Then we can move on to my exploits in directing my first film.

After leaving the world of stand up comedy, I went through a lengthy withdrawal period.  I worked a series of unsatisfying and low paying jobs.  I had quit college.  I was bright and talented, but I had no real world skills.  I was a writer and a performer, so I ended up in menial jobs.  It was great having all the time I needed to be with my son, helping to raise him and being a major force in his life.  We have a bond that will last forever.  That part was fantastic, and really was what kept me going.

The other part, however, sucked badly.  I felt like I had lost my identity.  I was a comic, but nobody recognized me as such.  I was doing things that felt beneath me.  I was depressed without realizing it.  I didn’t know it at the time, but I have a condition called “dysthymia”, also known as “neurotic depression”.  It is a mild form of depression, not the deep, “life sucks and I’m suicidal” kind.  It’s just causes a general dissatisfaction with life and an inability to enjoy anything.

The mildness is good and bad.  Good because it’s not as crippling as deeper depressions, but bad because you can suffer with it for years and not even know it.  One of the problems is that a major symptom is a disconnect from other people and isolation exacerbates it.  So, it’s a self-perpetuating illness.  I eventually started seeing a therapist and she correctly diagnosed me.  Now that I’m aware of it, I can handle it.  I recognize the symptoms early and I can pull myself out of it.  It’s kind of funny.  When things are going particularly badly in my life, my dysthymia sets in and brings me down.  I pull myself back up, but go back down again.  Sometimes, my mood will change ten times a day!  It’s a wild ride and it’s actually kind of fun and challenging to navigate.  (But I wouldn’t wish it on anyone).

Back to our story.  I spent a long time in my depressed state, completely ignoring my talents.  It’s sad to say, but I’ve always been a world class underachiever.  Finally, deep into middle age, I am working to change that.  And I will.  Guaranteed.

I was in and out of therapy, but two years ago, I made a number of breakthroughs.  I decided that my life needed to change.  I could no longer work these mindless jobs and struggle financially.  The struggling wasn’t so bad.  I’ve done it all my life and I am very good at it.  But if I was gong to have to scuffle, it was going to be doing something I loved.  I thought long and hard about what I would want to do if I could do anything.  The answer was make movies.  Something I have wanted to do since I was in high school.  My son was grown, technology had made filmmaking more accessible and the internet made networking and connecting with like-minded people much easier.

I decided to start by writing a new screenplay.  I went through the number of ideas that were still in my head from my foray into writing years ago.  I also had a number of newer ones, from my stand up years and after.  One concept stood out.  The best one, the one I knew could make a great film.  Yes, my imaginary woman story.  I was now ready. I was a member of ASC (American Society of Cynics), the hope within me now a tiny flame (which, by the way, is going to go out very soon).  I had been rejected by many more women, sometimes quite harshly, and life had beaten me to a pulp.  (It never knocked me out however.  I always  get back up).  Filled with a great passion to tell my story, I started work on November 1, 2010.

I spent a good year on the script, getting excellent feedback from a screenwriters’ group I joined in July of 2011.  I now moderate it and we have a terrific collection of writers who I find invaluable to my development.  The script, titled, SOUL MATE, is still the best thing I’ve ever written.  People seem to like it very much.  It’s been described as “unique, fun, funny and thought-provoking”.  It’s currently a finalist in a screenwriting competition.  Top eight out of 501 entries.  The winner will be announced tomorrow.  All of the finalists answered eleven interview questions.  You can check mine out through the link above the picture of my script.

SOUL MATE  is something of which I am immensely proud.  It has to make it to the screen some day.  I have a few producers considering it, but if no one else does, I’m going to shoot it myself.  I just have to gain enough experience.  Since completing SOUL MATE, I’ve worked on a few other projects.  I have a first draft of another feature.  I haven’t been able to finish  it, as I have multiple projects going on right now, but I’ll get back to it.  I’m did a rewrite on a script called FACADES,  for a writer/director I met on LinkedIn.  He’s planning to get it into production later this year.  I still do revisions about once a week based on his notes.

I’m also working on a new short, but the majority of my time is spent on the project that launched this blog, my short comedy ISN’T IT ROMANTIC?   It’s interesting, but IIR, to a large extent owes it’s existence to SOUL MATE.  Back when I first conceived of the idea, I told my ex I wanted to write a romantic comedy (be put on notice, I will not use the popular abbreviation, rom com.  I hate it.  Why do people use it anyway?  Because it rhymes?  Stop being lazy, it only takes an extra second to write it out).  Anyway, when I told her, she laughed.  “You?  You are going to write a romantic comedy?  You don’t have a romantic bone in your body!”  Those were her words and she is 100% right.  I am the least romantic guy in the world.  I let her read a draft of SOUL MATE.  She really liked it and was very surprised I wrote it.  It made me think. What if there was a writer, maybe he was a director too.  He makes romantic comedies that women love.  They eat them up, they swoon, they talk about how lucky his wife must be.  But in real life, he’s the least romantic guy in the world. It drives his wife crazy.  And I knew, there’s a story.  Thus, ISN’T IT ROMANTIC?  was born.  Here’s the logline: When the wife of a successful writer/director of popular romantic comedies complains about the lack of romance in their marriage, her husband accommodates her the only way he knows how.

I developed it quickly.  I went from concept to first draft in three days.  (Keep in mind, it’s a fifteen page short, but I am still really fast!)  I kept the cast small, the locations few, and avoided any kind of expensive special effects and props.  This would be my directorial debut.  And now it’s happening.  I built my initial team using talented friends from my screenwriter’s group and we are now in preproduction.  Tomorrow, I will have $5000 in the bank to fund the film.

We’ve covered my background sufficiently.  Tomorrow, we can move forward on the production of ISN’T IT ROMANTIC?  I hope you find it interesting.  I think it will be helpful to me as a budding film director to have a written account of the things that went through my mind as I undertook this challenging endeavor.