My Dilemma

30 days until production begins.  In a month, I will be on a set, directing my first film.  I feel very good about it.  I’ve worked long, hard hours preparing.  I have an amazing team who have worked equally hard.  I’ve got a great cast, two beautiful locations and enough money to see the project through completion.  Naturally, I’m a bit nervous, that’s to be expected.  But I am confident in my ability to direct this movie and there is not a doubt in my mind that it will turn out well.  I do have a bit of a problem, though.

It’s essentially an unrelated issue, except it is tied into the production of my film.  It involves the most important member of my team.  I’ve  been dealing with this for almost a year now and it is quite distracting.  Compounding the problem is that there is no one with whom I feel comfortable discussing it.  Not looking for someone to solve it per se, just someone to listen so I can get it off my chest.  It’s so hard to carry this around alone.

I had a really good friend, a woman, who I talked to about it all the time.  She and I got close, strictly platonic, but we confided in each other.  There were things I told her that no one else knows, not even family.  She moved.  Her cell number is no longer working and she doesn’t answer my emails.  I’m actually worried about her.  I’m also left to deal with my problem alone.

I’m considering writing an article about it.  Again, not expecting anyone to solve it, but it would feel good to get it out and I wouldn’t mind getting opinions.  What worries me is that someone I know might see it.  I would then have to enter the witness protection program.  I couldn’t face anyone if they knew how I’m being affected by this.  Especially the person it directly involves.

I have to think about this.  Maybe I’ll throw it out there.  I really don’t know what else to do.


4 thoughts on “My Dilemma

  1. You need to make an anonymous blog so no one knows it’s you and then you can pose your question. In all seriousness, it sounds like it’s a heavy weight weighing on your shoulders. If it’s that heavy, it might be worth going to a therapist or someone you don’t know just to get it out there and out of your head.

  2. You’re right. Putting my name on this was a big mistake. First time blogger. I was going to a therapist, but I have no health insurance and I can’t afford it anymore. Being an independent filmmaker is a tough gig.

    I’ve been dealing with things like this alone all my life. It’s actually kind of stupid, the type of thing a normal person would handle with no problem. I tend to deal with these things in my work and this will end up in a script someday.

    In the meantime, I just have to tough it out like I always have.

  3. I agree with wildchristy, Paul. Start another anonymous blog for stuff like this. In fact if it were me, I’d copy this entry and then delete it from this blog–place it elsewhere. Keep this blog for the film and writing-related topics only.

    Having said this–I understand how terribly unsettling and painful this must be. Send me a message if you like.

  4. I’ve decided the best thing is to just keep this to myself. There’s no sense bothering people with my stupid little problem. Honestly, you would laugh at me if you knew what’s bothering me. I’ll be okay. I always am. I’m a survivor.

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